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Unprovoked Rant: Slug Sex and Squirrel Anger Issues

Human dominance of the animal kingdom can’t last. I don’t think squirrels are going to put up with it much longer. Their eyes burn with resentment. I see it. They are preparing to strike. I was expecting 2020 to be the year, when we were all so isolated and weakened by covid and wearing masks to muffle our screams.

I was talking to one of the friendly pigeons who live on the roof of my apartment building one morning and this is what she told me squirrels say:

“I woke up in a dirty hole again, covered in ants. And I was hungry. So hungry. And I couldn’t remember where I hid my food yesterday, dammit. Father is right: I’m so stupid, stupid, STUPID!!”

“With his harsh barking still ringing in my ears, I spied a delicious pumpkin on some lady’s front porch. I dove from my tree to tackle a neighbor who was contentedly nibbling it already, sinking my teeth deep into his neck sending him squealing away. Wasting no time, I bit into the sun-like flesh of the pumpkin. The flavor filled me with rage immediately. It was fake. What kind of sick f@^!k goes through the effort of creating a realistic-looking pumpkin and setting it out in the open to inspire gladiatorial combat???”

“Anyway... I ate half of it to soothe my wounded pride and then kicked the rest down the front steps as hard as I could. From the branches above, I heard a familiar voice mocking me. With anger welling up in my throat, I chased my cousin to the end of a limb where he fell into the street where he was run over by a Toyota. And my rage, still not slaked, only grew as I observed the tears of the driver. How I loathed her weakness. I wanted to fly out of the tree and gnaw off her hair. And I would have, I bet, but I was halted by a deep, primordial fear that I can’t explain cresting over me like a shadow. I HATE that. It was this virulent cocktail of fear and rage that boiled over by noon when I became so apoplectic that I had to run full speed up a telephone pole and scream like this

And that reminds me. Have you ever seen slugs having sex? That is not from here. One look at slug sex and it is obvious: they are alien parasites and our world is doomed. All slugs have both sex organs and they are giant blue corkscrew-shaped affairs. Slugs entangle each other with their hideous corkscrews and hang from a filament of slime while “doing it”. I’m sorry to say I observed this for about 20 seconds before I realized what was happening. They were just pumping away right out in the open. I think the overall ghastliness of it is what keeps predators from attacking them mid-coitus. What kind of a pervert animal is going to eat slugs in the middle of THAT?? I bet I know who: bats. Don’t get me started.

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